Everybody Poops, Unless You Want Coffee

  The irony here is almost better then the story itself. Oh, who am I shitting (pun) the irony is better then the story. But the story is good too, so read on.

  Apparently out in Denver this lady Ruth Burgos was having a poop emergency, well her kid was. Ruth could have just used the toilet like a normal human being-which sounds boring-but regardless, babies aren't normal human beings. Babies are more like little miniature assassins. They do what they want, when they want, as loud as they want and there isn't a damned thing you can do about it, because they're babies. And they know they are babies, sly little critters. Anyhow, Starbucks didn't care much for Ruth's little baby's poop problems. In fact, I think they might be the exception to my statement about the invincible baby assassins.

  Although, Ruth didn't really give two shits (every time I say shit here, it is a pun) about the bathroom, which she could have used. Instead she wiped that baby butt clean in the seating area. She told 9news " I just kind of wiped him off, cleaned him off as quickly as I could."

  That alone makes her a total badass, right? I mean, fuck it, you gotta poop you gotta poop. That baby didn't care when or where it was going to happen, it was going to happen. Evidently, Starbucks didn't dig the event and called the police for a "disturbance". Frankly, if you're spending tons of money on a sip'n'go of coffee and whatever else the place offers, maybe you deserve to see baby-butt. And besides, how in the hell does a place that sells coffee neglect having a fully prepared bathroom. That's crazier then wiping your babies ass in a dining area of a coffee shop!

  Not surprisingly, the staff puffed up with some attitude of their own. According to Ruth's lover-face (her husband) the crew treated her in a demeaning manner saying things such as "make sure you wipe the seat when you're done." and then spilled some coffee on the floor saying "Make sure you clean that."

  As rude as that is, calling the 5-0 was a much ruder way to go about it. Honestly Starbucks, you sell coffee and people have babies. It's your own damned fault for thinking inadequate restrooms will be beneficial. On the bright side, no one was arrested. Probably because they where all covered in shit! Okay not really, but that would probably result without arrest as well. If people are terrified of baby poop, imagine what you could get away with if you're covered in it. Don't go testing that, though, and if you do, you didn't hear it from me. You nasty fuck, I love you.

-Arrrooo!

  

A Tale Of Two Gizmos

  Alright, so you got me. This isn't the most important story on the planet. But it's pure bullshit and this is still news. And I don't care what Mr. Commenter on whatever fucking website I first heard this from says... I am not fucking thirty, and Gremlins still holds a special place in my heart.

  So this has been talked about, for a good while now. Gremlins was getting a sequel, they are replacing puppetry for CGI and Stephen won't be a part of it. Okay, so who will? Mother fucking Seth Grahame-Smith. I won't lie, I haven't seen any of his movies and I'm aware of their negative reception. I do however have-in my hand-a copy of the book form of Abraham Lincoln VAMPIRE HUNTER. And I like what I've read so far. So I won't give him shit for being called into script writing again. I also won't give Hollywood shit for lacking creativity, that's nothing new.

  So where is the problem? Besides getting rid of puppetry, which is enough reason to want to pull a Sylvia Plath, it's not even a sequel anymore. It is a straight up remake! "Holy shit" you say? Holy Shit indeed! If it wasn't bad enough that Gremlins 2: The New Batch was a shitty movie-if you like it, that's cool, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, but that's your problem to sort out-they want as far as risking total destruction of one of the best movies ever made. One of the best things in that medium, from an artists perspective, does not does deserve to be murdered because we have new technology... This isn't Robo-Cop mother fuckers...

  We will see what happens, who knows, maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is a god.

  Oh yea, and I don't give a fuck about a sequel to Beetle-Juice. That's nowhere close to the level of tragic that Gremlins: Remake possesses.

-Arrrooo!

Arrroooooo! Well-cum!

  I got my pilot license, and I'm flying right into your... Too soon? For some of you nitwit bastards, that is indeed too soon. And you sheeple probably won't feel welcome here. So I invite you to stick around, because I don't like you. And that means we should be friends.

  Anyway, what news is more relevant for a first post then the very manifestation of the best thing to have ever happened to you! Okay well, that threesome with so-and-so's sisters was probably pretty good too. But you get the point.

  So why am I here anyway? Basically, I'm doing you a favor. You get to get information you would get anywhere else, but without a dry and overly polite bullshit attitude you just know is being intentionally worked into static boredom to appease the author's boss-man-ass-face.

  And besides, if I'm lucky, I might rile you up a bit as well. Stay tuned mother fuckers.

-Arrrooo!